I'm lost and stupid without you.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
