So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
