I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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