There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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