My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
