After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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