ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
