Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
