A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
