Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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