Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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