well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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