Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
