I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
