I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
