I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
