I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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