You can't special order awesome
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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