i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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