I'm lost and stupid without you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
