forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
