I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
