look no pants
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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