Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
