I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
