Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
