I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
