so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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