i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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