if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
