Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
