She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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