saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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