my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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