We named our party play list daddy issues
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
