What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
