): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
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Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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