Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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