Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
