I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
