Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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