I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
