Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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