My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
