We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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