I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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