i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
