I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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