he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
