I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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