in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
