I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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