I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
