You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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